Hello, this is EnZo

24 Dec 05 - Well, Christmas eve was not exactly fun and happening to begin with… Especially so when you’re single and you wish there’s someone holding your hand walking down the streets. At least you won’t be so different from those lovey dovey couples around you.

Well, I was watching Narnia with my poly friends. Really wanna watch it coz it’s nice to begin with. It’s something in between Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings. War but with a bit of children innocence added to it. I won’t reveal any of the story here but I can tell you the beginning and the end in brief. The 4 children went through the wardrobe and entered Narnia. They grew up to be kings and queens. So I’ll only say this much.

Movie is great. Next is dinner at grillers. We’re supposed to be at Settler’s cafe for some board games and a place to countdown for christmas. But no choice we had to be at Grillers. Waited like an hour for Ms Cindy to reach lo. Sian sia… All of us were hungry le lo. Chee Chern had to take cab coz he’s scared of being late but still he wasted money just to wait for 1 person. Gift exchange next but I din end up taking my present home with me lo. Coz after dinner felt too pissed off to do anything. Wanna check out MoS but the queue was damn freaking long. Haiz. Nothing to do then walked ard Clarke Quay like idiots lo. Dat totally pissed me off. V soon, we all left for home.

–Christmas only happens when it happens in your heart. Unfortunately, it was not even visible for me

Heard this song on the radio and I began to b attached to this song… Kinda like a part of my history…

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(2x)

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(2x)

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I’m asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.(2x)

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.(X2)

10 Dec 05 Felt like shit the moment I woke up. Think I only slept for 5 hours. Too weak and having a slight headache… Only a slight headache. Not a hangover. But I threw up again… Weird. Usually ppl have hangover, but I din. Only more throwing up… Completely lost my appetite over food. Din eat my breakfast, I look at it and vomited instead of eating. LoL…

Oh man, I stil got sch in the afternoon. So no matter wat I gotta hold on till the afternoon is over. Actually, I wanna hold on coz I’mm supposed to meet her for some shopping 2day. Dats the main thing dat got me goin on even though I’m so wasted. Think I’m still feeling high, Actually sorta danced when I’m in the train listening to Fort Minor. Cool beats dat got my "dancing" Slowly realised I’m like making a fool outta myself and quickly stopped… But stil it cont… LoL.

Told cindy abt my little misadventures the nite b4 and she was quite surprised I did so much shit. Well, it’s up to all to believe whether I’m telling the truth. 1 thing true is, I threw up all over the streets.

Halfway through the lesson, she msg me saying dat she had some last minute stuff and cant meet me for shopping… Felt so sian after seeing her msg but I gotta put on a brave front. Cant let this kinda thing affect me too much… She aint my gf, cant let this affect me at all… So lan lan suk thumb and went orchard did my shopping alone. Needed to buy new shoes, comics and CD-R. I waited all the stuff I need to do to gather then I’ll settle everything in 1 shot. Making most outta the transport fee I had to pay…

Quickly settle everything and went home to rest…

–Dun bother abt how others look at u, juz b who u wanna b. Coz it’s u who’s living ur own life. Not anybody else!

09 Dec 05 Yin Kang oredi wanna go out and have a drink on this day. But we do not have any idea where lo. Friday nite confirm everywhere crowded de. We din wanna go clubbing coz it aint suitable for us. Initially, only wanna find a pub to chill out and maybe listen to some live band… But Orchard is too crowded, so we ended up at Mohammed Sultan (MS). Kee Yeh had a hard time getting parking lots so in the end parked at UE Sq. So now time to look for nice spots to hand out. Not really interested in some of those pubs and clubs, wat caught our attention was Madam Wong’s.

We were like kinda conversed there, not used to the music there, but later on, alcohol made me crazy and I let my hair loose and everything goes… outta the window… cant recall wat we ordered… Only remb 3 jugs of Carlsberg? 1 jug of vodka lime, ribena, and some other shit I cant remb at all. Only know it’s alcohol then juz drink. After a few shots, began to get high and we hit the dance floor. Never in my life will I think of ending up dancing to the beats of dance music… I totally change to another person… (wats happening?)

Last time, I never wanna hit the clubs coz I never liked dance music. Feel it’s crap and I dun really like to dance (thought I dun have the skill for it) But man was I wrong. I danced as if it’s natural to me. Felt shiok dat time. WTF… I got kinda outta hand and went towards a group of ladies and kinda like brushed my body against theirs. (not really intentionally but it’s kinda crowded ok?) Hey, nobody’s complaining ok?

After dancing, more drinking followed… Me and Yin Kang were looking around for babes dat we can chat up. But all either too old, ugly or attached liao… WTF… So we juz kept drinking. But Yin kang actually went to chat with this lady sitting alone. (She’s not really great looking and she’s kinda old if ya ask me) Was surprised he went up to her. But straight in the face, YK got rejected. 1st assault and he got rejected.

More dancing and drinking for them, I was sitting alone and drinking at the counter then I noticed this lady sitting beside me. Quite attracted to her coz she looked juz the right person after so long. I wanted to talk to her but… something’s stopping me from talking to her. Stupid morales and principles shit I’ve been sticking unto for so long… but as more alcohol followed, I din care a shit. YK and KY came back and that gave me more courage to chat up the gal. No pick up lines or corny stuff lidat. All I did was to raise my glass towards her, "A toast to Friday night!" And dats how it got started. Then YK cut in and talk to her 1st. Kinda like my mission accomplish coz my aim was to let YK know more gals and to let go of her ex.

B4 goin to MS, we talked alot in the KY’s car about how it’s pointless to hold onto something so uncertain. Told him to look at me and Alex’s example… Wats the point of holding on when all u get is nothin in the end. So my goal is to let YK know other gals tonight. I’ve changed alot since we broke up. I’ve picked up exercising, played more games, looked up my friends more, even studying now, and my view on love is no longer the same. I’ll never love a person 100% anymore! At the most will only give in 70% from now until she becomes my wife. Loving someone too much and with all your heart can be a disease. It can even b a cancer up to some point…

Back to Mdm Wong’s, I’ve picked up smoking again. GOD damn me! I’m still too weak to resist smoking… Oredi tempted to smoke the last time at KTV, but fuck care la, why bother so much, juz smoke la. Familiar feelings came back… So familiar yet so long ago. Knew it’s bad but I juz dun wanna bother so much now… Me and KY left YK with that lady and we smoked outside. I wanted the lady for myself but not in the mood for dat. I’m too drunk to talk anything sensible too. Prefer smoking though.

Damn, YK muz b on a roll. We left him so long with dat woman liao, time for me to interupt them. She aint dat kind of loose woman, but I can see she’s quite outgoing. A part of me was looking for some "fun" if there’s any, I wont mind. I juz needed it. But I din have the balls to ask women for dat. LoL. She left at 230 I guess. Soon, time for us to get the hell outta dat place le.

After dat much heavy drinking, need to pay a price for it. Began throwing up all over the streets and even on the road. KY had to stop for me to throw up. A total wreck… Smoke again to calm myself down. Finally reach home liao. Did nothing but juz lied on my bed…

–U can be whoever u wanna be, juz let it go…

04 Dec 05 Watching Harry Potter for today. Since it’s a sunday, better made sure I had tix for the show and I had to book online… Finally gotta watch this movie… If I’m not wrong this is the 4th instalment of the movie franchise. Thank GOD I found someone to watch the movie with… And I’m not gonna reveal the name here. I need some privacy and respect hers too.

Wat u guys think of the movie? It seems to be getting darker with every series… From a 1st yr student at Howarts, now he’s becoming a teenager who has to deal with asking a gal out for ball and to fight against a dragon. At least the movie aint boring.

Before the movie we had to have dinner… Quite surprising that she asked me to decide for myself wat I really wanna eat… Was so surprised to hear dat… Coz all the time I always go with other ppl’s choice. Always respecting ppl’s choices so dat they feel better to have the food of their choice… She said dat I’m always putting other ppl 1st, never thinking for myself… Was shocked dat she understood me so well… How is dat possible? LoL.

Dinner was at a jap restaurant at lvl 6, dunno wat got into me, actually treat her dinner… Dat nite’s expenses was $50… Oops… Well, 1st time ask a lady out cant let her pay ma. Ya know… I’m being nice to ppl again. Well, at least she’s gonna treat me to dinner another time…

After the dinner, we did some shopping at Carrefour. I only wanna get a drink but she ended up buying lotza other stuff. So we took train to Hougang and again I din alight at my stop. Went all the way to hougang and she made this comment which shocked me… "Don’t you think you’re being too nice a person?" For awhile I was mind-blanked… It never occured to me dat I’m too nice to anybody… I only did wat I think I should do. Then she added, "Although it’s right dat guys should look after gals, but sometimes don’t really need to go dat far for any person" Oh my, she’s able to read my mind lo. Nothing to say liao… "If I’m a bad person, will bully u till u cry ar. Hahaha"

Her comments got me thinking abt myself and actions… I sure don’t understand wat she’s trying to say. Maybe she’s hinting something but I fail to catch it? I dunno leh…

Advise anyone?

–Sometimes being too nice means you’re interested in dat person. But for me, I’m nice to you coz I treat u with respect"

27 Nov 05 (part 2) As soon as I returned home, played FIFA for 10 mins and someone called… It came as a surprise coz I din keep in touch with her for 1 year liao… And the worst thing is she’s asking me out to Orchard. I just returned from there and u ask me to go there… Oh well, I’m a nice guy to gals so I just fulfill her wish lo. Nothing to do at home oso… Kinda interested in seeing how she’s been doing since she graduated 5 months ago… But the weird thing is dat she wanna go out and find a music school dat teaches "gu zheng" . The only place I can think of is Penisula plaza at city hall area. But she wanna try out whether Yamaha has it. And she decided the meeting pt as orchard. Coz it’s near for me to go orchard than Dhoby Ghaut as wat she said. All this arrangement is too weird to me…

She din change at all even after 1 yr. Still dress so plainly without make up, perfume, etc… Just the original package. The way it is… kinda appreciate her 4 dat… Nowadays gals out there are just so materialistic. The next thing was dinner at the Food Republic at Wisma lvl 4. New food court with a new look… The previous one was horrible… A great improvement now… Dat dinner was a long onez… About an hour I guess, throughout the dinner, she was the main or should I say the only speaker? Only she knows… Kept talking abt her life from young till now… Reminds me of Aldrick coz he talks alot of his life too. And she really impress me with her character… V strong-willed and determined and she has dat mentality of "if men can do it, I can do it just as good, if not better" I was totally impressed with dat thinking. If only cindy had dat kinda mentality in her studies and project work… Haiz… Hope she knows wat she’s doing with her own private life rite now. Dun spend most of ur free time with ur bf ok? Studies and project is v impt too… Hope we can sit down and talk abt our project soon… Other ppl v kiasu de lo, when are we gonna start??? Hello?

And throughout dinner, I noticed somethings… She has a way with babies… Jus a look from her and she can make the baby behind her smile and laugh. Dat is something I can never do coz my face is too fierce liao… And she’s easily distracted by pretty gals… Dats so damn weird… I thought only my desperate guy friends will do dat. Hmmm, kinda weird dat I actually need a gal to point out a pretty babe to me and tell me to look at her. Now how often do u have female friends lidat? By the time we finished dinner, all the shops were either closed or closing le… So we took a walk around orchard road, admiring the lightings and deco… Looks really nice and beautiful and this time I’m walking with someone else… Kinda weird. We walked from wisma to far east, then to C K Tangs, all the way to Heeren, OG and all the way to PS. Thoughout the long walk, we had a really nice chit chat. I’ve never had such a nice chit chat with a gal for a v long tme liao… Somehow, it filled up the emptiness in me, but the line muz be drawn of course. If not, shit will happen… I can easily develop a liking to a person just by talking… LoL… Someone who I can talk to is much better than having someone who’s pretty yet we cant have anything much to talk abt… (something lidat la)

We have this feeling that even though we have not seen each other for a yr plus, we can talk like old friends… So many things to say but so little time… But I was acting as the listener most of the time. I’ll say 75% of the time. But I dun mind, I like hearing ppl talk. However, not nonsense and crap la, pls dun be lame hor. We walked for close to 2 hrs and we realised that it’s abt time we should go home… But both of us din have that urgency to go home lo… If we could, we’ll choose to roam outside instead of home… But reality stinks and monday is workday, so no choice lo. We passed by "This Fashion" and she was quite sad when she commented that she don’t look gd in those spaghetti straps and tops. I disagree with her lo. I’ve seen uglier ppl wearing those stuff… She definitely will look betta than them de…. Just need some pointers on how to dress up lo… I jokingly offered my advice but dun think she heard me or she pretend not to hear me… (I dunno)

We cont our conversation on the bus and we talked abt our past relationship… Seems like we both have a sad past. LoL. Under her probing, I admit that I stil let go of something. I cant define wat that something is… Love? Concern? Hate? Most likely not the 3rd one. I know myself too well. I’m a failure in hating ppl… It’s juz too tiring…

Even though I’m reaching my stop, I chose to stay on and talk with her. I juz dun wanna end this nite so soon. Will b a waste if I juz went home… So we cont talking till she’s home. She’s the 2nd gal I actually send home rite to the lift. She’s staying v near to where Gan used to live. She was thankful that I sent her home coz it’s like so damn late. LoL. I juz dunno when to stop being so gd to gals lo. Even though I know I’ll end up taking cab home, still I sent her home…

Took cab home and was feeling v tired liao le… But kept messaging her. Oso dunno why I kept going on… Lost abit of rationality dat nite liao le… With a gd nite msg, I ended the nite totally. The next day, I treated it as a v nice memory. I oredi left an option of watching Harry Porter with her.  Hope it’ll materialise…

–Shattered hearts can be healed not only with time but with another’s love

27 Nov 05 Din go church today coz was too tired. Cant remember wat I did the night before… Maybe gaming ba… Too addicted to DoTA now… If I’m not organising, Wen Qing will be there, "Oei, DoTA?" And then dats it… we’ll play liao le… Suckers all of us…

So woke up, replied some SMS, ate breakfast then slp again… Just wanna laze in bed… Hehehe. Haven been doing much exercise as well… Feel flabby again le… Muz constantly work out then can maintain de ma… Yet I lazy liao le… Anyway,

I pulled myself outta bed when the clock is close to 1130. Quickly bathe and went out liao. We’re gonna have lunch at Sakae Sushi at Heeren. Lunch was so-so la. They all taste the same lo. But quite filling… Lunch liao then hear them talk cock… As usual, I dun have much to say. I’m usually the one who stay there without saying anything de… My char is lidat de ma. Dun change me into what u want me to be, just take me as I am… Dats my motto now, If u appreciate me, love me for wat I am… No need to change anything…

After lunch accompanied them round Heeren shopping… Kinda boring coz they were looking at mainly gals stuff ma. So tell me how not to be sian? LoL. But it’s a nice way to kill time… Coz there’s bound to be pretty babes around ya know. Saw a nice jacket at 77th street. Nice material, something similiar to Yunru’s present but pls dun get the wrong idea here, I just like the jacket dat I saw… But the price tag abit "nice" so just took a peek and left le. Din tell anyone that I liked it, since I know most likely, I wont get a nice special Christmas present from now on… But still, christmas is abit hope and joy of giving rite? So I hope lo…

Later on is ice cream at Swensens… Quite surprisingly, Yunru sat beside me… Din expect dat to happen, I just took a seat blindly and next thing I know she’s beside me liao… Kinda remind me the times in yr 1 where I was beside her in lab lessons… and helping her with CCT lab lessons… A torture at dat time but I liked it. Coz I had fond feelings for her back then ma… But now no such feelings liao. So wat if I had, I’ll only keep it to myself, dun wanna b hurt again. After ice cream, we all went our seperate ways.

–Everything can be bought but happiness is priceless