Hello, this is EnZo

16 & 19 Nov 05 Ya, so school started for me… So now will be on wed 7-10pm and sat 2-5pm. Kinda excited to study again… I mean like 1 yr plus din touch any textbooks liao. Dunno how I’ll cope… Will be fun I guess. The most signifying thing on wed was the rain… Kinda like weeping for me for paying so much cash huh. Oh well… Lately been raining and I’ve been in the rain from thurs to sat. And the thing is I’m stil not sick. Howz dat possible???

Wed’s lesson was fun with the lecturer. Mr Singh… Man, he’s the kinda guy who makes lesson seem fun… Lotza laughter flying… Then he intro us into a new field, BIZ. Something which I thought I’ll never go into coz I chose Engineering instead of biz during poly, and now I go into biz… Coz kinda realised being too specialised in 1 field aint gd, coz when you’re outta job, you can only find a new job in the field you specialise… So studying an adv dip in biz is like buying insurance huh. Stil wont b too bad if I cant get into an engineering job…

Oh well, after wed’s lesson nothing much lo. Just walk back to the station in the rain… Was kinda sian seeing someone so I just quickly walked away.

–Sat’s lesson aint boring as well. Jerome Lo was the lecturer. Another guy who’s quite different in teaching… He prefers to teach by daily examples rather than boring books… So everything was well taught. Wanted to wear my new crocs to lesson but looks abit weird so I scrape the idea… After lesson ended, that guy appeared again. And again, 3 ppl walking 2gether surely will hv 1 guy being the extra. Obviously, I’m the extra, the 3rd party as wat he labeled me as. Ok lo, I make ur life better by walking away with my headphones. Totally ignoring them. Somehow their talking makes me sick… Fuck you! Ya, I’m not afraid of saying wat I want. Somehow I can feel dat no matter how fast I walked and how I tried to avoid them, they’re jus behind me… Till I walked to the last door of the train then I managed to shake them off…

Went city hall to meet this bastard who’s supposed to reach at 6 to sell me his contraband but he’s late! Fuck! Make me late for my DoTA session as well. All in all, sat was purely a fucked up day for me. Planned to send my K700i for repairs in the morning but when I reach, I realised that I din bring my other hp to use. Fuck! (and cindy offered to lend me her hp but I instantly said no, coz I dun want that guy’s stuff. Understand???) Fine, no repairs then went station to board train at orchard then realised I board the tain at the wrong platform. Fuck! Then when I reach city hall, board the wrong train again. Double fuck! WTF was I doing that morning? My mind was still on leave I guess. But stil managed to reach sch on time. Heng ar… But after lesson, cont my fuck up day. 1st was the sight of him then the late seller…

But DoTA was gd… Tried out Tormented Soul, quite a powerful char if used well. But my 1st attempt aint dat great coz William was feeding the other team. Fucking hell, william sucks!!

–When you have shit in the morning, it’ll stay till the day ends!

18 Nov 05 An indication that end of 2005 is here and we have the dinner to mark a year of nothing but shit work for the NSFs. Theme is surfer’s paradise and of course needless to say dress code will be beach wear… but some individuals will prefer to call it bitch wear… Dunno what they trying to imply oso…

Oh well, dinner was not too bad but I lousy thing was the beer… Our unit only ordered 2 barrels of beer, thankfuly I managed to drink 1 mug… Better than nil I guess. And I actually won a mini CD player with FM radio. Hmmm… Cool. Never won anything in a lucky draw b4 so that was refreshing. If I brought someone else along, will dat increase my chances of winning that grand prize? A Pioneer home theater system. Too bad, things were not meant to be the way it’s supposed to be. (WTF?)

Anyway, after dinner, managed to get the gang to go KTV (coz I wanted to go KTV so badly, I just to make KTV the only option for them since most of they cant decide anything given a lifetime… And with much help From Ke Ren, we even pulled Alan, Mong Wei and Anthony to go with us… Getting these cinderellas to go is like attempting to climb Everest. LoL…

So I booked a room at Starlight and here we go singing our hearts out. Or at least I did. The whole room was crazy with laughter and nonsense. This is wat I’m talking about man. Last time used to go KTV with Chee Chern, Chi Ho, Cindy and others but the fun was nt there. Those guys were happening though. LoL. Sang alot of new and old songs. And the best part gotta be "1 Night in Beijing" I totally own the song with the ghost screeching part… LoL.

But erm… Some disturbing shit happened… Was damn shocked to know that Qiye smokes. I mean he’s like those guai guys and will never smoke lo. But I guess pressure from work and his drivers forced him to smoke ba. His drivers r mainly smokers and I guess he picked it up from them… Prior to smoking he drank a few mug of beer. And I dunno which is affecting his brains. He actually asked 2 ladies (they were 1 lvl below the KTV) how much is a b***j**. Kinda saddening that my friend actually did all these shit… A little about me… I HATE my friends smoking, not coz I dunno to b a 2nd hand smoker… But I dun wan ppl I’m concerned about wasting their youth and life smoking. Coz I’ve seen a few ppl being affect by smoking in an extremely bad way. (I wont say anything here) So I dun want my friends (esp those I really treat as friends) to get into smoking…

Last time when she used to smoke, I’ll be damn hurt and sometimes, I’ll get a little outta my mind. But never did I hit her or wat. I oways gave her chances and be understanding. That was when I realise that I needed to be with her to be her pillar of support, so as not to let her into smoking ever. Esp so when I loved her so much. Hope she understands why I’m so paranoid…

Actually to be truthful, when Qiye offered me his cig, I was so tempted to get a feel of it again… Why the again??? A history of me which I never revealed to anyone except to 1 person… Even my parents dunno… But bad memories jus flashed back and I stopped… But it’ll be great to puff… If I do, think I’ll be just damning myself. Coz I know I’ll be puffing alot per day…

–Life is never the way you wanted it to be

10 - 11 Nov 05 Oh well, nothing to do on the 2 nights. Then might as well go play DoTA and train my new heros… Mainly Vengeful spirit and Netherdrake… Played with Ke Ren, Wenqing, William and 1 of his friend… Man, william sucks like shit… worse off than Anthony 3 months ago lo… Now Ant is a much better player then he used to… And William sucks!!! The only phrase that can describe my agony is, "I almost vomit blood!!!" Totally disappointed in him. Then stil put the blame on me. WTF!?!?! Hey u suck means u suck ok? Dun have to blame anyonre… U were inconsequential so to speak… U better buck up ok? Even Anthony can play better than u do rite now…

It spoilt my mood on Thurs nite lo… Then comes fri, my parents were arguing on wat design and colour our new the window panes should be. WTF?!?!? Just a simple thing also can argue till dunno wat lidat… U know how I can be affected by your arguements and you guys still go on… WTF?!?! At times I wish u guys were better off dead… Ya ya ya, I know I’m a bastard for saying this. Cant take it anymore, so I call my gang and played DoTA again… Just b4 I left, my mum asked for my opinion on the window panes, I dunno what crossed my mind but I just shouted and cursed her then I left… (it totally pains my heart to shout at her but I did)

Lately, feel I’ve been losing too much control of my life… It’s been awhile since I’m single… But I stil cant cope with my life by myself. I’m a v disorganised person. Last time there was someone who took care of my schedule and stuff… Now she’s happily attached to a new guy. Congrats… But er… just seems to me that she’s flirting around… I dunno, maybe u feel it’s only once in a lifetime that you’re 21… Then just go all the way outta the system to hv "fun". Now I realise we’re so different in thinking, maybe it’s a blessing that we broke up… Guess some ppl are never meant to settle down…

Some ppl wanna settle down but are still single… (like me) But I just realise that gals nowadays are getting more materialistic. How many rich bastards in Singapore can happily afford a car, house and stil lavish on a woman??? Sometimes, I can understand why gays are around… It’s easier to communicate with a guy coz he also understand how the other guy feel and thinks… Talking to a guy is better lo… But muz know where to draw the line. Dun go all the way out and "fall in love" so to speak… Oh well, just another year to ORD on 191206. Someone used to treasure 1219, hence I use 1912 instead…

Ya, 8 Oct sure holds meaning… (now applies to me only I guess). Watch Tom Yum Goong on 9 NOV with my bro, Aldrick. Talked about our life… Then found out that he and Iris actually been together for 4 yrs plus… When he talked abt it, I realised that 8 Nov was jus a day b4… If things were smooth, it would have been 3 yrs and 1 month… Then he told me not to be so sentimental. Since she already seeing another guy, as if she will bother abt me at all… Gave thought to wat he said and I find it to make alot of sense… Come to think of it, even if I tell her that I’m sian, she’ll just entertain me as an anyone. Oh well… From that day when she said that, I told myself that I’ll never ever show my weak side to her anymore!!! Fucking hell, it’s time I fucking wake up to reality!!! Wake up Enzo!!! Even if you just fucking die for no reason, there’ll only be 2 ppl in this world who will cry their hearts out. And that’s my parents.

So it’s time I dun barbour any hopes. I had always placed alot of hope on her, but seems like I’m always disappointed. Yet time after time, I still placed my hope on her… For wat? A happy ending??? Fuck you! There’ll be no more happy ending of ESC!!! No more ESC!!! Wake up ok?!?! Now it’s only ENZO (& DoTA) But no matter how many times I tell myself this, I stil place my trust on 2 things, hope and love… Love is there, it’s not a matter of whether do you think about it. It’s there means it’s there… If trading 50 yrs of my life to not know what is love, I rather take the risk…

–Love is only but a verb

06 Nov 05 Sunday, was convinced to attend church service by myself. It’s a combined service of both chinese and english that day. Quite interesting to hear chinese service… Not v common I feel… So heard about being stewards of money… And dun let money take control of ur life. It should be man controling money and not the other way round… Alot of other things that I shall not say in case ppl accuse me of preaching…

And I’m not a christian ok? Well, at least not yet. Lotza obstacles to overcome b4 I can become 1… Haiz… Headache ar… After service, watch FF7 Advent Children on my bro’s com. Damn nice to watch it for the 1st time… Damn cool. Think will buy the DVD version to keep. A masterpiece lo. Everything animate till v smooth and beautiful. 1st class man… Nothing much to do but to help them keep chairs and tables and stuff.

And er… go home and rest for the day le. Slack till dinner then watch tv from 7:30 to 1am… Let me recall, 1st is Daredevil then 2002 (chi movie) then A Date With Vampire 3. That show is super lame… Shit liao lo. Standard drop so much… But stil I watch coz of MXL (Ma Xiao Ling). She has the endless and ohh so nice legs… I see liao bleed ar… (reminds me of a particular someone whose legs long and beautiful) Too bad now not much chance to be with her anymore. Oh… So sad…

–When you divorce your spouse and marry another, it’s also known as adultery

5 Nov 05 Nothing eventful on Sat. Except to return a container, 8310 and an umbrella and to get back my SIGG bottle. It’s been awhile since it left my side… Needed it back coz my converse bottle is peeing in my bag lately… So I need to replace with a bottle that can control its bladder. (u guys get the picture?)

So after that, meet up with my friend at Orchard. Planning to get a couple of things on this trip…

• SIGG bottle cap
• Comics
• CDs (Opeth’s new album)
• Flip Flops (if aint too ex)

I was looking for this particular CROCS Flip Flops… Saw it a couple of months ago. Looked kinda unique and since my unit’s year end dinner is beach theme, might as well get flip flops, nice shirt and new bermudas. Well, my allowance onl allowed flip flops lo. We spotted it at Heeren, and my friend made a fantastic remark. "Eng Soon, it’s nice but it ain’t for you coz you’re not gay" and "you crazy 2 spend $50 on a pair of flip flops"

Kinda like "huh?" Dunno to b happy or sad. Happy coz I ain’t gay (at least I dun look look and act like 1) Sad coz it’s nice but not suitable 4 me. I have 2 admit unwilling that it’s more 4 ladies la. But com’on, nowadays we cant tell men and women apart without looking at their chests and er…. groin area… Ppl r getting more weird by the day dun u agree? So I jus join in the weirdness lo. But it’s kinda abit ex… Well, we looked at other normal flip flops. Passed by NUM (new urban male) but I just walked away without looking coz those males are GAY! I cant stand guys who er… u know  "gu nian" like women… Gives me the creeps… Damn sick lo… (Brings back nightmares from Suntec)

Oh well, outta the 4 tasks mentioned above, only managed to finish 2. Buy comics and CD. No place selling the kinda SIGG bottle cap I want. Then flip flops stil considering which one to buy. Those normal one or CROCS…

–Life is like a puddle of MUD

02 Nov 05 The day where my money will be reduced greatly. Oh well, it’s pay (sch fees) day. Totaly amount is $2873.60 but with that, will get an adv dip in return. Can say it’s an investment ba. Hope it turns out well. Thing to ponder about: Cindy is in the same course as me. How will I cope? I dunno, kinda diaster if she can affect my studies. But oh well, treat it like last time when we were purely friends and classmates. Think I can manage it better if I treat her as classmate ba. Dun think so much la Enzo. Go there meet her, have dinner, pay course fees and go home. Dun think of other stuff. Make it simple stupid! That wats I tell myself.

So everything goes according to plan. My heart kinda ached when I handed over my cheque to the cashier… *pain* After that payment, we rushed down to Jurong Point coz I saw there’s this Starhub roadshow offering Nokia 6030 at $0 with a new plan signup or renewal. I needed a non-cam phone badly coz I cant use my K700i in camp. And further more, I wanna return her 8310. Using her stuff wont do much gd to me either return it to her is better. I dun wanna explain why here coz she’ll see. LoL. Wanna know, ask me personally.

Mission accomplish. New phone bought and we bought some drinks at 7-11. Alcoholic of course. Miss the chance to drink on Tues muz drink now since there’s an opportunity. With alcohol, everything feels so different. I can treat her more normal. Let go of my burdens and thoughts. Even toast to our new course and our future "graduation". Without alcohol, think I’ll still keep my silence.

So took train, she’s meeting someone and I’m going home. No chance to take back my SIGG bottle. (A birthday gift from Jessica and Emi) Coz she’s meeting Mark. Damn! I hate him. Not coz he’s wooing Cindy but the way he protray his thoughts and intentions. God damn it! Cindy’s not even your gf and u treat her like one. Then she meet up other guys privately, u get jealous. What the hell? Cant imagine wat will happen if she’s his gf and eventually his wife… Well, u think I care? F*** you! Understand? I aint afraid of saying it anywhere b******. But it’ll be so much more better to shout it out straight in your face you d***!

LoL. that feels so much better. Will be fantastic to say it in your face. Dun let me see you then. I’m sure ppl will think I’m jealous now. LoL. Wat do u think? A reason why I dun talk much to Cindy coz her SMS is a great conversation killer. I mean I hate my conversation interupted every 3-5 minutes. V sian onez lo. That’s why I choose to read a book or keep my silence. You have your SMS to entertain you, dun talk to me. And it applies to everyone. You have your SMS to keep you bz then dun talk to me. I hate modern technology to interupt simple verbal conversation like using you vocals to produce a langage to your intended party. Understand? If you dun then it’s fine with me, I jus dun talk to you lo.

So next time ppl wanna talk to me, make sure you have settled whatever biz b4 conversing with me. I dun wan ppl to engage in never ending SMSing while in a conversation.

01 Nov 05 This is Deepavali, a public holiday in Singapore. (who doesn’t know it?) The whole week feels like a friday everyday coz everyother day we dun need to work. Kinda stupid if ya ask me. Cindy was proposing to have a class gathering but v few ppl turned out coz many are tied down by studies and work… I was stuck at home playing Jedi Knight 2. V caught up in the game so kinda lost track of time. Ended up being later for an hour. But nvm la, they are playing pool in Tampines ma, so it’s ok to be late… ^_^

But as soon as I reached, suddenly felt sian coz of Cindy? I dunno… Somehow whatever the reason, I felt sian… Let’s make it simple for all to know. And that made me play real bad in pool… Maybe coz of her presence ba. Actually, din really wanna meet them coz so few ppl are few. But just give face lo. Lately, been outta sorts. In a slump again… Dun seem to be able to focus on anything…

Chi Ho has to go home coz he has some guest. Think he needs to entertain them or wat. Then Zheng Xing also left after the game. Leaving only me and Cindy. Oh my god, wat a "wonderful" situation. I totally dunno wat to do and wat to talk about with her also… Felt so strange towards her nowadays. Think somehow as time goes by, that love has turned to something quite opposite… Cant say what it is but it’s changed lo. I mean she’s my ex, and wat u expect me to say and act that is in a way right? I dunno, so for most of the time, I just kept quiet, reading my book. Trying v hard to not say and do the wrong words and action.

Seriously, think I need someone new to erase her off my mind. Seriously… Haiz. But well, guys in NS are usually single coz of reasons like the guy being poor and no time. From what I can see only Ke Ren has manage to last through. Kudos to them. Wish that their r/s will last till they part.

Oh well, reached City Hall where we’re supposed to have sushi with Chee Chern. It’s only when he arrived then the whole atmosphere livened up. Coz he can be tat someone we can talk to. Wont b awkward lo. Thank god for that. Or else my day will be ruined. Wanted to go drink some alcohol after dinner but it doesn’t seem like he’s keen. So no choice ask cindy lo, but er, she too doesn’t seem keen. Oh well, stil can tell me drink another day, maybe join her and her friends for clubbing. Rejected her offer less than a second.

NOTE: I dun club coz it only plays stupid and senseless dance/tchno music. Com’on, they all sound the same. Whats so gd about it? It’s trash music guys. Face it! Well, my opinion.

I mean like I’m v sian for the whole day, wanna go drink on that v day and u tell me another time… I dunno la, I dun like that lo. I’m becoming more like her in this aspect. Want something now means now, get it another day/time it’ll have no more meaning. Dun u get it?!?! She’s like making me less of myself. I look at myself in the mirror and see a different person. I’m like a total wreck everyday. I’m the kinda person who gets energy from love, not just love from parents, but another kinda love. Love from someone you never know will bless your life so much till you change yourself. That’s the kinda love I seek and need. Without it, I’m so powerless to achieve many things…

Think I gotta stop living in this lie and face reality. Reality = single status till unknown…

–Screwed up P.H